~ibu nuha naim hakim~

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this blog is not for you to read....but for me to write... i am me....let me be myself....just the way i am....

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

The day she left us

02022018, Friday.

The day she left us. At age 72. And i will never get any chance to hug her, to kiss her, or even to tell her that i love her so much, ever again.

January 2017.
Dia kata kat belakang dia ada kudis. Macam kena gigit nyamuk, tapi dah letak ubat pun tak baik2. I remember this because she took care of me and my kids dalam pantang. And pernah once, I berurut, and she join it, but she told makcik poah to not touch her back, sakit sangat katanya.

March 2017.
Us, anak-anak dia paksa her to get treatment. kalau pun tak nak pergi hospital, at least go to clinic. Docs might know better. Then she agree. Ulang alik klinik at pura kencana every few days, to cuci the kudis and get antibiotics injection.

May 2017.
The things get worst. Clinic can't help anymore. The doc said, antibiotics should help, but in her case, it isn't. So doc gave her a referral letter to hospital putra. To get better treatment. She was warded. Taking few bloods and cells samples. I was sad. But to see her, she was very strong. She not even show us she was sick, and scared.
A week before Ramadhan, i've got a call from ayai. Told me that she was suspected cancer, lymphoma cancer to be exact and need to refer her case to HKL ASAP. I was devastated. And i know she was. But she face it courageously.

June 2017.
Along the Ramadhan, bapak is alone. I mean alone without her. She was going back and forth BP-KL to get her treatment. But us the sibling always going back to keep him company.
Few weeks after Aidilfitri, she started her chemotherapy treatment. She asked icak and ajah to cut her hair short.

July till December 2017
The chemo treatment went well. Even very well. She got schedule of 12 chemo cycle. But after 4 cycle she was clear. The kudis is gone, and she is very healthy. But she continue finishing it until the end.

29th-30th Dec 2017
I was going back to kampung. Enjoy finishing my holidays, sewing baju nuha, and she sit there with me. She told me, 'mak malas dah la nak potong kain menjahit. dah banyak sangat baju mak. penat la'. And I take it as nothing.

1st January 2018
I've got whats apps messages from Icak. Told me she 'lain macam'. Asyik nak tidur. kejut tak bangun-bangun. Not even for solat. I was shocked. Why? But i don't get chance to met her. Because she went to KL to finish her last chemo cycle on 4th January.

6th January 2018.
It's her 72 birthday. We don't get chance to celebrate it. But ajah managed to buy her cake and celebrate her birthday. Ajah sent us few pics. She looking sad.

A week after that.
I was going back to kampung. She can't even recognize Hakim. And she called Nuha and naim as 'anak Mail'. Anis and Edeh I guess. I don't know what year her memory was, but i think she ingat i was still staying at KL. To ask her to get up was so hard. To ask her makan was more hard. To mandi and solat was even harder. I was sad. I hope she will recover. But deep down i was scared she cannot.

A week after that.
I've got class at OUM. Going back home, she tidur and not even bangun. She even forgot to go to the toilet and pee herself. Last time she got up is on Saturday. She ate lunch, she mandi, and she tidur again. And never she open her eyes again after that.

22nd January 2018. Monday.
I just came home from school. Got call from Icak. Told me she was brought to HSNI by ambulance. She was very weak. Last she ate was that saturday. At HSNI, doc predicted she might got jangkitan kuman at her brain, so that she cannot get up. She might critical. And no hope.

23rd-25th January 2017.
I was going back and forth to HSNI every afternoon. To taking care of her. Lucky to have understanding boss and babysitter. Take turn with Icak and Ayai. Epit was going back from Japan. Early from scheduled. Because we cannot wait anymore.

26th January 2018. Friday.
We did yassin for her. Ask Allah to give her the best. Apa pun yang Allah beri, kami redha.

29th January 2018. Monday.
I came to the ward that afternoon with the kids. With hope she can hear her grandchild's voices. But she just sleep. Never wake up.

1st February 2018. Thursday.
I've got MTQ zon 1 at Ulu Pengeli. But i was insisted to visit her. My heart just can't bear the feelings. I came that afternoon alone. Ayai took care of her. I help clean her, gave her milk, and sat beside her. Rasa tak nak balik. But husband said the kids never stop crying because i was not home. So i went back. Walaupun hati berat. Along the driving, my heart can't stop asking. Why? why? why? I can't bear see her bedridden like that without any cause. She was healthy, she was normal, not even any sickness. So why she cannot wake up?

2nd February 2018. Friday.
My heart ache. I want to see her. I want to see her. I want to see her. But I can't. But then, about 3pm, husband got call. From Icak. Told him she left. Forever. I cried. So much. So so much. Till my heart out. We going back to kampung. Arrived around 4. Kemas rumah. Waited for her. She arrived around 6.30pm. Epit cried his heart out. Mak never saw him came back from Japan. Tabahlah dik. Now she know you are back.

People started to came and visit. Reciting her yassin, and after maghrib i started reciting Alquran for her.

That very night I cant sleep. Just closed my eyes, but my ears can heard people reciting Alquran. At 4.30 that was silenced. I woke up. Take wudhu' and go to her. To see bapak sit beside her. Not sleep. I know he can't. Just like me. I was not saying anything. Just sat and recite Alquran. He get up, then he came down to go to masjid. Few minutes later husband woke up, and everyone too.

We managed to khatam her that morning. Before 8. After a few moments, us three, Me, Icak and Ajah mandikan her. Together with anis and angah. and few more people. After that i was getting shower, and after i finish, she also finished being kafan. She looked so pretty. Looked young. And wangi. I kissed her for the last time.

At masjid, so  many people prayed for her. And then at the grave, Lolot, Ayai and Epit going in to the lahad to sambut her down. Everything happened so fast. Very fast. Like sekelip mata semuanya siap. I dont know where all the people who help come, but it was so fast.

The time bapak sat beside her grave and start the talkin, i cant stop crying. Bapak also. Lolot, ayai and epit too. And everyone at the graveyard too. Bapak looked so devastated. The time he said 'Wahai isteriku hamsah', then he cried. Allah...please gave us strength.

At 11.30am, everything was settled. And mak was not here anymore.

* * * * *

Mak died not because of cancer. Not because of jangkitan kuman. Doc stated at her death letter she died because of stroke. But we know that was not the cause. Never she got stroke, never she was in comma. We know what happened and we take that as asbab. Her time has come. And now she is at the better place, insyaAllah.

Tak puas rasanya jaga mak. Tak susah pun jaga mak sakit. Tak terasa penat berulang-alik Kluang-BP untuk jaga mak. For I know she was my everything.

Rehatlah mak. Tenanglah mak. I had witness your life yang mak hulurkan untuk kebaikan orang lain. it's time for you to rest. Terima kasih untuk 30 tahun 4 bulan 21 hari Allah beri pinjam mak.
I will never forget the memories. And never I can repay your kindness towards me. From the day I was born, till the day you left us forever. Semoga Allah jualah yang akan balas semuanya pada mak.

* * * * *
This post is for the memory. Not for the SPM essay or what not. So abaikan grammar aku.
I learned my lesson here. "Hal Jazak Al Ehsan Alal Ehsan". Semoga aku dapat jadi the better me at the future insyaAllah.

May Allah bless...

Wednesday, June 28, 2017


Untuk setiap titis susunya yang aku teguk
Untuk setiap luruh keringatnya membesarkan kami
Untuk setiap sabarnya pada karenah kami

Aku harap Allah permudahkan urusan dia
Aku mohon Allah sembuhkan penyakitnya
Aku minta Allah berikan kesihatan buat dia

Air mata ini aku telan masin, likat
Tak mampu terluah dihadapan mak
Aku nak pinjam mak lama lagi...
Lama lagi

Terima kasih icak...terima kasih ayai...
Sebab jagakan mak dan bapak

Terima kasih ajah...terima kasih lolot
Sebab hantar mak kesana kemari

Untuk setiap khidmat kalian yang tak mampu aku lakukan
Dek keterbatasan kudrat, masa dan keutamaan
Allah jua lah yang mampu membalasnya

Tuhan...aku mohon diperkenankan permintaan...

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

What hurt you most

Sepanjang 3tahun 7bulan aku jadi mak.
There are 3 things that will hurt you most.

1. When the kids sick
2. When they hurt you
3. When you have to punish them to educate them

Sejak sejak jadi mak memang aku senang touching
Payied yang hati batu zaman dulu dulu dah tak wujud I guess
Bagi aku, No 3 is the most most hurt. Because you have the choice either to make it or not.
But I always make it.
Bila aku tanya nuha, ibu garang tak?
Spontaneously dia jawab, garang.
Huuu...kesian anak aku.

But sorry baby.... I have to...
Tak pernah niat nak menyakit.
Cuma ibu perlu untuk mendidik.

I hope one day you will understand.
Macam aku faham perasaan mak bapak. Waktu punish aku kecik kecik dulu.

Untuk mendidik.
Walaupun sakit.

Kerana ibu sayang.
Kerana Allah jua lah yang paling mengerti.


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